I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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