I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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