Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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