I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
