I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
