Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
