Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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