After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
