We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
