I hate all girls vehemently.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
