that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
