this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
