actually, I'm a sock model
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
