My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
they're like a gay fantastic four
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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