On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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