the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
