yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
pop tarts are not kleenex
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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