beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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