i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
