you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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