whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
