It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
