There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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