I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
