i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
