Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
