just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He had one of those small greek statue penises
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
