i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
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I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
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I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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