doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
