He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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