I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
