it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm way too hungover for life right now
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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