dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
