i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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