Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
