My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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