my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
