What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
