Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
