He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
