she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
