gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
