I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
