I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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