I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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