I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We had to coat check the pizza.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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