quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
