where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
