just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He did a backflip because drugs
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