I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
