i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
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He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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