i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
