No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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