I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
