he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
