Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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