get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
and i looked up. we had an audience...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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