Did you just see the Batmobile???
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
