are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
