Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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