I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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